Ready to grab loneliness by the horns? 4 ways to make peace with feeling lonely

Loneliness is a feeling no one likes to feel. Loneliness is defined as feeling unhappy or sad when you have no one to connect with. Sometimes people get it confused with being alone, which is just being by yourself. You can feel lonely in a room full of people. If you are alone, you are alone.

​Day after day, women tell me how lonely they feel in the Bay Area. According to the 2010 Census data, there are around 7 million people in the Bay.  If this is the case, why are people feeling so lonely?

Social Media has been wonderful.  You are able to reunite and reconnect with old friends and family.  You can find a job or get customers for your business. You can meet people all over the world. You can have 1,000 friends online.  However, you can still feel lonely. You may not feel comfortable calling your Facebook friend if your mom is sick in the hospital, your boyfriend broke up with you or you were laid off from work. There may be several reasons for this. You may feel everyone is too busy or you are the only one dealing with this. 

These feelings can intensify when you have a history of abandonment. If you were abandoned by your father, many feelings come up for you. Rejection, anger, sadness, fear, or anxiety. Loneliness is also a feeling that comes up. Loneliness after childhood abandonment could have showed up in the following ways:

1. Your immediate family went from 3 to 4 members.  Everyone was so devastated by the loss, that they didn’t want to talk to one another. Although the house was full, you felt lonely.
2. You no longer were in touch with your father’s family or friends. You miss them and felt lonely.
3. You were daddy’s little girl and he used to jump rope or play games with you. He is no longer around to play. You felt lonely.
4. You didn’t want to talk to your friends about the situation because you thought they didn’t get it or you were embarrassed. You felt lonely.

Do you see how loneliness appears in childhood/adolescence after abandonment? Let’s take a look at how loneliness appears now, in adulthood.

1. Partner breaks up with you. You feel lonely.
2. You have an argument with a friend, which ends the friendship. You feel lonely.
3. You get fired, laid off or retire. You feel lonely.
4. Your kids start school or go off to college.  You feel lonely.

The list goes on and on. You continue to feel lonely and triggered over and over again. Reminding you of childhood, when daddy left.

I understand the sadness and the lifelong reminders that occur when people leave you.
I'm here to let you know, your feelings are normal. Of course you would feel lonely in any of these situations. However, you don't have to stay there. Here are some tips on how to make peace with feeling lonely.

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Admit It

Admit you are lonely.  Denial, avoidance, get you nowhere. Loneliness will rear its head every time.

Feel It

Yep, this can be a little tough for you, because you might cry or get angry. That is okay. You've been running from these feelings for years. Grab the tissues and cry it out. Go to kickboxing to punch and kick it out.  I suggest journaling too. Writing down your feelings gets them out of your head and on paper.

Reach Out for Support

I am not recommending the type of support which is really a distraction.  This is when you call your girl and head to the club or Sunday brunch for bottomless mimosas. When you get there,  you avoid talking about the loneliness you feel, and instead you just want to hang out. Reach out to the friend that you can be vulnerable with. The friend who you can share that you are feeling lonely and you want someone to listen. The friend that will hug you while you are going through a snotty cry. Yeah, that friend. The one who loves you no matter what. No more hiding, reach out.

Seek Professional Help

If that girlfriend or family member doesn’t work out or if you don’t want them to know what is going on, seek out a trusted professional. Mental health clinicians like myself are here to help you recognize and sort through your feelings. We can also help you learn more ways to cope with loneliness. You are not alone in your feelings of loneliness. Your father may have left, but you are still here and can take control of your life and feelings. You are no longer that scared little girl who had no control of what was going on. You are no longer the  little girl who did not know how to manage her feelings. If you are ready to grab loneliness by the horns and make peace with feeling lonely, give me a call at 510-250-3091 or email me at mpho@peacefulthoughtstherapy.com

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