“It’s not good enough.”
“What will my audience think of me?”
“What if my email doesn’t make sense?”
“What if I mess up the presentation?”
“What if I make a mistake?”
“I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!”
Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Especially when you are about to perform a task? Are you a self-proclaimed perfectionist? Well, keep reading!
I always said I had a love/hate relationship with social media and blogging. That wasn’t entirely true. I was a perfectionist. I would stress about corrections I would have to make on my social media posts and blogs. I would spend weeks on blogs and hours on one Instagram post. I would constantly talk down to myself if it was not perfect.
“It’s not good enough.”
“That sounds dumb.”
“What if my audience doesn’t “like” my comments?”
Now reading my past thoughts is exhausting. Can you guess how those thoughts made me feel? Anxious, frustrated, annoyed, and overwhelmed. With those feelings, do you think I wanted to keep up with blogging and social media? Nope. So I stopped. I became sad and depressed that I wasn’t living my passion of inspiring others. I started to doubt myself and become more critical of who I was as a person. I felt unworthy and did not love myself around showing up as a blogger or influencer. I didn’t think I was good enough because I was not perfect. After months of feeling this way, I finally made the decision to figure out how I could move forward. How could I be okay with my blogs and posts and stop being perfect?
What is Perfectionism?
I tried to find the best definition for perfectionism. I really resonated with the definition from the American Psychological Association dictionary.
“the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”
For me, this definition fits the way my clients frame their perfectionism. They have “extremely high” expectations of themselves in their work, relationships, and home life. I really appreciated the second part of the definition; “in excess of what is required of the situation.” BAM!!
When I talk to my clients about their perfectionism and what is expected of them from others, they tell me that there are no expectations from others. Their boss, kids, partners and friends don't expect them to be perfect at all. I had to sit with that when I stopped blogging. I finally asked myself, “Does my audience want to be perfect or real?”
What Causes Perfectionism?
Perfectionism can start sometime during the early childhood years. Many times it can be in response to something painful in someone’s life. For example, maybe your parents divorce caused you to start acting perfect in order to keep the peace. Maybe you didn’t want your parents to have to worry about anything because the divorce was so painful. Maybe perfectionism was a response to how you adjusted to living in an abusive home. Perhaps if you strived for perfection in school or at home, it would keep you safe from the wrath of your abusive parent. Maybe you would get kudos and you would feel loved for once. Lastly, maybe you responded to being shamed by a teacher or student at school, by getting perfect grades in school. Or you responded to the bully by trying to be the perfect friend. You did not want to be shamed again. You did not want to feel unsafe again. You learned that in order to feel safe, valued and loved, you needed to be perfect.
How Does Perfectionism Make You Feel About Yourself?
Anxious, depressed, scared, overwhelmed, inadequate, angry and insecure. Does that sound about right? Sleepless nights. Procrastinating because you do not want to feel these emotions, so you don’t do the project at all. Self-doubt, self-criticism, and worst-case scenario, self-loathing. Self-loathing is the opposite of self-love. No, no, no, we can’t have that. This blog is all about self-love.
How Can You Overcome Perfectionism?
1) Recognize the Issue
Do you think you are a perfectionist? Or do you have perfectionist tendencies? Do you find yourself getting emotional when you can’t do something perfectly? Acknowledge it. It is okay. It does not take away from the beautiful person you are.
2) Reflect On What Might Have Caused Your Perfectionism
Get that journal out and start writing. Really dig deep. Try these journal prompts to help you:
“What is my earliest memory of trying to be perfect?”
“Who was I trying to please by being perfect?”
“Did someone tell me I had to be perfect?”
“Did someone tell me I couldn’t or shouldn’t make mistakes?”
“Did I start to be perfect to feel safe, loved or valued?”
3) Acknowledge Thoughts and Feelings That Come Up When You Are Not Perfect
Again, take the time to journal when you have thoughts and feelings because you made a mistake and you were not perfect. Usually these are negative thoughts and feelings. Anxiety, depression, or feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you start to cry because things just aren't perfect. Take some deep breaths and use the positive self-talk tips in the next section.
4) Reframe Perfectionistic Thoughts with Positive Self-Talk
Old Thought - “It’s not good enough.”
New Thought- “It is good enough.”
Old Thought - “What will my audience think of me?”
New Thought- “What do I think of me?”
Old Thought - “What if I mess up the presentation?”
New Thought - “It’s okay if I mess up. Just keep going.”
Old Thought - “What if I make a mistake?”
New Thought - “Everyone makes mistakes. The mistake would be stopping.”
Old Thought - “I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!”
New Thought - “ I GET TO BE HUMAN! NO ONE IS PERFECT!”
5) Get Support
If you continue to struggle with perfectionism and you want to dig deeper, reach out to a licensed mental health professional. Sometimes you can get stuck and perfectionism can negatively impact your life.
Well, I hope this article is helpful to you. No one is perfct. : - )
Let me know what you think of this article. Does it resonate with you? Which tip helped you the most?
Wow, have you ever played an album for the first time and thought “This.” or “O-M-G!”? Well, this is how I felt when I heard Lizzo’s newest album Special. It has been awhile since I’ve been in love with an entire album. I feel like the entire album was written for me.
I didn’t know who Lizzo was until a few years ago. A client was so excited about her concert when she came to the Bay Area. She admired Lizzo for her body positivity and support of the LGBTIA community. I was intrigued, so I decided to do a little research. She sings, she dances, she plays the flute, she wins Grammys. I thought to myself “Wow, this woman is beautiful and talented. And she seems to love herself no matter what!” As a therapist who specializes in self-love and self-esteem, I knew I was a fan and I wanted to learn more.
So how did Lizzo show me how to love myself even more?
Keep Going No Matter What
Over the years I have followed Lizzo, I have watched her get praise and I’ve watched her get flack for things she's done. I’ve seen haters talk about her weight non-stop. I’ve seen her fans get upset with her when she drank a smoothie because she wanted to lose a few pounds. I’ve seen her on Instagram loving herself in a bikini by a pool. I’ve also seen her get really vulnerable talking about all the nasty comments she receives from people regularly. I continue to see Lizzo hold her head up high, not no matter what. She keeps going. She keeps making music. She keeps posting bikini pics. She keeps going, no matter what!!
Try Something New
My appreciation for Lizzo changed when she hosted Saturday Night Live (SNL). She was the first person to host and perform on SNL. I think she did a wonderful job hosting. The reviews online agreed with me. The music performance was phenomenal. She had so much energy. I was also impressed with her acting/improv skills. She had me laughing and I was so excited for her. I really like the way she was able to laugh at herself. She tried something new and knocked it out of the park.
She also developed her own fitness line through Fabletics called Yitty. It is a line for women of all body types. Being 6'1 and 190 pounds, I totally appreciate designers who make clothing for someone my size. Confession, I bought a Yitty outfit. It is too cute. It's a fluorescent pink workout top and bottom short set. Like Lizzo, I am trying something new!!
Love Your Body No Matter What
Lizzo is loving on her body and will show it off in a minute. She gets a lot of flack for it, but she wears what she wants to wear. I remember an outfit she wore to a basketball game and her butt cheeks were hanging out. Gasp. As a 47-year-old mother of two girls, I was shocked and uncomfortable. Of course I felt like a prude. Then I thought to myself “Wow, I wish I would have had that much confidence at her age!!”. I wish I would have loved my body no matter what!
Lift Others Up
Wait, six Emmy nominations for Lizzo’s “Watch Out for the Big Grrls” dance competition show? Is there anything this woman can’t do? Lizzo is not at the top of her game by herself. She is taking the time to uplift other women with her. She is letting the Big Grrls know she sees them and wants them on stage with her. Lizzo wrote on her Instagram “we didn’t do this for awards, we did this for ourselves.” I love that!!
Make Mistakes and Grow From Them
Recently, Lizzo’s song Grrrls received backlash because it contained a derogatory word for someone with a disability. Lizzo admitted her mistake and changed her words to the song. About her decision to change the lyrics, she stated , “This is a result of listening and taking action. As an influential artist I’m dedicated to being part of the change I’ve been waiting to see in the world.”
Thank you Lizzo!! I appreciate you and the change you are making in the world.
I hope this post inspires you to love yourself too. Let me know in the comments below.
In case nobody told you today, You're Special!!
Hey Hey Queens!!
Well it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. To be honest, I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t had the motivation to write. So much has happened since 2020. Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water. The pandemic seems like a piece of cake compared to mass shootings, the reversal of Roe vs. Wade, and the hate and violence that continues in our communities, especially against our Black, Brown, Asian and LGBTIA communities. Like many of you, sometimes I feel hopeless. I don’t have all answers.
Last year, I hit a wall. I was completely burned out. My anxiety, overwhelm, and sadness developed into medical issues. Thank God everything turned out to be okay. I got a clean bill of health. The health scare taught me to take care of myself. How could I be there for you, when I couldn’t be there for myself. I was preaching self-love, but I wasn’t loving myself. I thought I was loving myself by riding my Peloton bike, eating semi-healthy, hanging out with my friends and family and writing in my journal. Once in a while I would get a facial or mani/pedi. It was not enough. I still crashed into a wall. It was more like a slow train wreck.
So what changes have I made in my life? The biggest one is being intentional about loving myself. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I learned that I need to incorporate self-love into my day-to-day life in order to feel good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not loving myself every day all the time. However, I am committed to being intentional about showing myself self-love each and every day.
I really want to be committed to sharing my self-love practices with you. They are simple things you can do to show yourself love. You won’t need to be running around trying to book massages, facials, pedicures, buying expensive equipment, etc. You can love yourself in the comfort of your own home (or in your neighborhood).
My first self-love ritual is a shower. I used to recommend baths, then I realized that a lot of people don’t have bathtubs. So a shower ritual works perfectly.
First I have to tell you how this came about. Earlier in the day, I had a phone call that really annoyed me. I was annoyed and angry. I could have gone to the pantry and grabbed some chips and tried to “snack” my feelings away. As you know, that never works. Instead, I decided to feel the anger. I sat with every part of the anger. I did a body scan and felt it from head to toe. I did some breathing exercises in order to calm myself down. Then I asked myself “what am I really hungry for?” I knew the answer. I was hungry for love and acceptance. Sure, I could lean into my family or friends for love and acceptance. But what if they aren’t available? I know a lot of you may be single or estranged from your family. Or maybe you are not ready to be that vulnerable right now. This is why I want to teach you to take care of your own “emotional hunger” by loving you.
So after I realized what I needed, I decided to take a shower. I did not feel like a regular shower. I knew I needed more. I craved a shower that gave me love and acceptance. My self-love shower ritual is posted below.
Self-Love Shower Ritual:
-Essential Oil (any scent will work. Today I used Bergamot from doTERRA)
-Chill Music (Apple Music/Spotify)
-Loving and Accepting self-talk
-Turn on chill music.
-Turn on shower.
-Add drops of essential oils to shower. You can use a cotton ball. I’ve also seen shower tablets. They are like bath bombs for showers.
-Apply facial cleanser and wash face with washcloth.
-Apply body wash with washcloth.(I put a few drops of essential oil in my body wash too.)
-While washing face/body, you can say self-love affirmations (see below)
-Use the body brush to get the blood circulating while massaging your skin.
-Rinse body and towel off.
-Apply lotion. (say more self-love affirmations)
"I like me."
"I love me."
"I am beautiful."
"I will be okay."
"I got this."
"I accept myself as I am."
"I am grateful for.. (name body parts)."
So, are you curious about the photo at the beginning of article? It is me after my
self-love shower! Am I glowing or what?
I hope you get a chance to try this out. If you choose to take a bath, you can do the same ritual. Let me know how it goes!!
Peace, love, and many blessings!
P.S. Just in case you are curious about the items I used, I have shared the links below.
Disclosure: I am a Wellness Advocate for doTERRA, so I do get percentage of your purchase if you use the doTERRA link.
Metene Body Brush
doTERRA Bergamot Essential Oil
doTERRA Daily Cleanser
I am a therapist who helps individuals who are motivated to transform their inner voice of self-doubt and self-criticism into a powerful voice of positive self-talk and self-trust. We help individuals recognize their inner worth, build their self-esteem and speak their truth.