“It’s not good enough.” “What will my audience think of me?” “What if my email doesn’t make sense?” “What if I mess up the presentation?” “What if I make a mistake?” “I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!” Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Especially when you are about to perform a task? Are you a self-proclaimed perfectionist? Well, keep reading! I always said I had a love/hate relationship with social media and blogging. That wasn’t entirely true. I was a perfectionist. I would stress about corrections I would have to make on my social media posts and blogs. I would spend weeks on blogs and hours on one Instagram post. I would constantly talk down to myself if it was not perfect. “It’s not good enough.” “That sounds dumb.” “What if my audience doesn’t “like” my comments?” Now reading my past thoughts is exhausting. Can you guess how those thoughts made me feel? Anxious, frustrated, annoyed, and overwhelmed. With those feelings, do you think I wanted to keep up with blogging and social media? Nope. So I stopped. I became sad and depressed that I wasn’t living my passion of inspiring others. I started to doubt myself and become more critical of who I was as a person. I felt unworthy and did not love myself around showing up as a blogger or influencer. I didn’t think I was good enough because I was not perfect. After months of feeling this way, I finally made the decision to figure out how I could move forward. How could I be okay with my blogs and posts and stop being perfect? What is Perfectionism? I tried to find the best definition for perfectionism. I really resonated with the definition from the American Psychological Association dictionary. “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” For me, this definition fits the way my clients frame their perfectionism. They have “extremely high” expectations of themselves in their work, relationships, and home life. I really appreciated the second part of the definition; “in excess of what is required of the situation.” BAM!! When I talk to my clients about their perfectionism and what is expected of them from others, they tell me that there are no expectations from others. Their boss, kids, partners and friends don't expect them to be perfect at all. I had to sit with that when I stopped blogging. I finally asked myself, “Does my audience want to be perfect or real?” What Causes Perfectionism? Perfectionism can start sometime during the early childhood years. Many times it can be in response to something painful in someone’s life. For example, maybe your parents divorce caused you to start acting perfect in order to keep the peace. Maybe you didn’t want your parents to have to worry about anything because the divorce was so painful. Maybe perfectionism was a response to how you adjusted to living in an abusive home. Perhaps if you strived for perfection in school or at home, it would keep you safe from the wrath of your abusive parent. Maybe you would get kudos and you would feel loved for once. Lastly, maybe you responded to being shamed by a teacher or student at school, by getting perfect grades in school. Or you responded to the bully by trying to be the perfect friend. You did not want to be shamed again. You did not want to feel unsafe again. You learned that in order to feel safe, valued and loved, you needed to be perfect. How Does Perfectionism Make You Feel About Yourself? Anxious, depressed, scared, overwhelmed, inadequate, angry and insecure. Does that sound about right? Sleepless nights. Procrastinating because you do not want to feel these emotions, so you don’t do the project at all. Self-doubt, self-criticism, and worst-case scenario, self-loathing. Self-loathing is the opposite of self-love. No, no, no, we can’t have that. This blog is all about self-love. How Can You Overcome Perfectionism? 1) Recognize the Issue Do you think you are a perfectionist? Or do you have perfectionist tendencies? Do you find yourself getting emotional when you can’t do something perfectly? Acknowledge it. It is okay. It does not take away from the beautiful person you are. 2) Reflect On What Might Have Caused Your Perfectionism Get that journal out and start writing. Really dig deep. Try these journal prompts to help you: “What is my earliest memory of trying to be perfect?” “Who was I trying to please by being perfect?” “Did someone tell me I had to be perfect?” “Did someone tell me I couldn’t or shouldn’t make mistakes?” “Did I start to be perfect to feel safe, loved or valued?” 3) Acknowledge Thoughts and Feelings That Come Up When You Are Not Perfect Again, take the time to journal when you have thoughts and feelings because you made a mistake and you were not perfect. Usually these are negative thoughts and feelings. Anxiety, depression, or feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you start to cry because things just aren't perfect. Take some deep breaths and use the positive self-talk tips in the next section. 4) Reframe Perfectionistic Thoughts with Positive Self-Talk Old Thought - “It’s not good enough.” New Thought- “It is good enough.” Old Thought - “What will my audience think of me?” New Thought- “What do I think of me?” Old Thought - “What if I mess up the presentation?” New Thought - “It’s okay if I mess up. Just keep going.” Old Thought - “What if I make a mistake?” New Thought - “Everyone makes mistakes. The mistake would be stopping.” Old Thought - “I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!” New Thought - “ I GET TO BE HUMAN! NO ONE IS PERFECT!” 5) Get Support If you continue to struggle with perfectionism and you want to dig deeper, reach out to a licensed mental health professional. Sometimes you can get stuck and perfectionism can negatively impact your life. Well, I hope this article is helpful to you. No one is perfct. : - ) Let me know what you think of this article. Does it resonate with you? Which tip helped you the most? Many Blessings, Mpho Footnote: https://dictionary.apa.org/perfectionism
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Wow, have you ever played an album for the first time and thought “This.” or “O-M-G!”? Well, this is how I felt when I heard Lizzo’s newest album Special. It has been awhile since I’ve been in love with an entire album. I feel like the entire album was written for me. I didn’t know who Lizzo was until a few years ago. A client was so excited about her concert when she came to the Bay Area. She admired Lizzo for her body positivity and support of the LGBTIA community. I was intrigued, so I decided to do a little research. She sings, she dances, she plays the flute, she wins Grammys. I thought to myself “Wow, this woman is beautiful and talented. And she seems to love herself no matter what!” As a therapist who specializes in self-love and self-esteem, I knew I was a fan and I wanted to learn more. So how did Lizzo show me how to love myself even more? Keep Going No Matter What Over the years I have followed Lizzo, I have watched her get praise and I’ve watched her get flack for things she's done. I’ve seen haters talk about her weight non-stop. I’ve seen her fans get upset with her when she drank a smoothie because she wanted to lose a few pounds. I’ve seen her on Instagram loving herself in a bikini by a pool. I’ve also seen her get really vulnerable talking about all the nasty comments she receives from people regularly. I continue to see Lizzo hold her head up high, not no matter what. She keeps going. She keeps making music. She keeps posting bikini pics. She keeps going, no matter what!! Try Something New My appreciation for Lizzo changed when she hosted Saturday Night Live (SNL). She was the first person to host and perform on SNL. I think she did a wonderful job hosting. The reviews online agreed with me. The music performance was phenomenal. She had so much energy. I was also impressed with her acting/improv skills. She had me laughing and I was so excited for her. I really like the way she was able to laugh at herself. She tried something new and knocked it out of the park. She also developed her own fitness line through Fabletics called Yitty. It is a line for women of all body types. Being 6'1 and 190 pounds, I totally appreciate designers who make clothing for someone my size. Confession, I bought a Yitty outfit. It is too cute. It's a fluorescent pink workout top and bottom short set. Like Lizzo, I am trying something new!! Love Your Body No Matter What Lizzo is loving on her body and will show it off in a minute. She gets a lot of flack for it, but she wears what she wants to wear. I remember an outfit she wore to a basketball game and her butt cheeks were hanging out. Gasp. As a 47-year-old mother of two girls, I was shocked and uncomfortable. Of course I felt like a prude. Then I thought to myself “Wow, I wish I would have had that much confidence at her age!!”. I wish I would have loved my body no matter what! Lift Others Up Wait, six Emmy nominations for Lizzo’s “Watch Out for the Big Grrls” dance competition show? Is there anything this woman can’t do? Lizzo is not at the top of her game by herself. She is taking the time to uplift other women with her. She is letting the Big Grrls know she sees them and wants them on stage with her. Lizzo wrote on her Instagram “we didn’t do this for awards, we did this for ourselves.” I love that!! Make Mistakes and Grow From Them Recently, Lizzo’s song Grrrls received backlash because it contained a derogatory word for someone with a disability. Lizzo admitted her mistake and changed her words to the song. About her decision to change the lyrics, she stated , “This is a result of listening and taking action. As an influential artist I’m dedicated to being part of the change I’ve been waiting to see in the world.” Thank you Lizzo!! I appreciate you and the change you are making in the world. I hope this post inspires you to love yourself too. Let me know in the comments below. In case nobody told you today, You're Special!! Many Blessings, Mpho ![]() Hey Hey Queens!! Well it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. To be honest, I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t had the motivation to write. So much has happened since 2020. Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water. The pandemic seems like a piece of cake compared to mass shootings, the reversal of Roe vs. Wade, and the hate and violence that continues in our communities, especially against our Black, Brown, Asian and LGBTIA communities. Like many of you, sometimes I feel hopeless. I don’t have all answers. Last year, I hit a wall. I was completely burned out. My anxiety, overwhelm, and sadness developed into medical issues. Thank God everything turned out to be okay. I got a clean bill of health. The health scare taught me to take care of myself. How could I be there for you, when I couldn’t be there for myself. I was preaching self-love, but I wasn’t loving myself. I thought I was loving myself by riding my Peloton bike, eating semi-healthy, hanging out with my friends and family and writing in my journal. Once in a while I would get a facial or mani/pedi. It was not enough. I still crashed into a wall. It was more like a slow train wreck. So what changes have I made in my life? The biggest one is being intentional about loving myself. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I learned that I need to incorporate self-love into my day-to-day life in order to feel good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not loving myself every day all the time. However, I am committed to being intentional about showing myself self-love each and every day. I really want to be committed to sharing my self-love practices with you. They are simple things you can do to show yourself love. You won’t need to be running around trying to book massages, facials, pedicures, buying expensive equipment, etc. You can love yourself in the comfort of your own home (or in your neighborhood). My first self-love ritual is a shower. I used to recommend baths, then I realized that a lot of people don’t have bathtubs. So a shower ritual works perfectly. First I have to tell you how this came about. Earlier in the day, I had a phone call that really annoyed me. I was annoyed and angry. I could have gone to the pantry and grabbed some chips and tried to “snack” my feelings away. As you know, that never works. Instead, I decided to feel the anger. I sat with every part of the anger. I did a body scan and felt it from head to toe. I did some breathing exercises in order to calm myself down. Then I asked myself “what am I really hungry for?” I knew the answer. I was hungry for love and acceptance. Sure, I could lean into my family or friends for love and acceptance. But what if they aren’t available? I know a lot of you may be single or estranged from your family. Or maybe you are not ready to be that vulnerable right now. This is why I want to teach you to take care of your own “emotional hunger” by loving you. So after I realized what I needed, I decided to take a shower. I did not feel like a regular shower. I knew I needed more. I craved a shower that gave me love and acceptance. My self-love shower ritual is posted below. Self-Love Shower Ritual: Items: -Facial Cleanser -Body Wash -Essential Oil (any scent will work. Today I used Bergamot from doTERRA) -Washcloth -Body Brush -Chill Music (Apple Music/Spotify) -Loving and Accepting self-talk -Lotion Shower Ritual: -Turn on chill music. -Turn on shower. -Add drops of essential oils to shower. You can use a cotton ball. I’ve also seen shower tablets. They are like bath bombs for showers. -Apply facial cleanser and wash face with washcloth. -Apply body wash with washcloth.(I put a few drops of essential oil in my body wash too.) -While washing face/body, you can say self-love affirmations (see below) -Use the body brush to get the blood circulating while massaging your skin. -Rinse body and towel off. -Apply lotion. (say more self-love affirmations) Self-Love Affirmations: "I like me." "I love me." "I am beautiful." "I will be okay." "I got this." "I accept myself as I am." "I am grateful for.. (name body parts)." So, are you curious about the photo at the beginning of article? It is me after my self-love shower! Am I glowing or what? I hope you get a chance to try this out. If you choose to take a bath, you can do the same ritual. Let me know how it goes!! Peace, love, and many blessings! P.S. Just in case you are curious about the items I used, I have shared the links below. Disclosure: I am a Wellness Advocate for doTERRA, so I do get percentage of your purchase if you use the doTERRA link. Metene Body Brush doTERRA Bergamot Essential Oil doTERRA Daily Cleanser ![]() *I originally posted this blog in 2018. So much has changed this then, however, these tips still apply. Well, it's that time again. The holidays are among us. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, etc. A time for family get-togethers, celebrations, etc. You may enjoy this time. It may bring you happiness, joy, excitement, and lots of laughter. This time may also bring you stress, anxiety, depression or anger. Getting together with family, hosting, planning, cleaning, running errands, and shopping, can make the entire process stressful for you. You may start having anxiety weeks before the holidays begin. You may have physical symptoms (stomach aches, headaches, cold sweats, heart palpitations). You may not be able to sleep and you constantly think things may go wrong. By the time the holidays are here, you can barely enjoy them. Well, this year can be different. You can take control of your emotions during the holiday. You don’t have to feel stressed out if follow these tips. , Embrace Imperfection This is not television or the movies. Things do not have to be perfect. The turkey, the stuffing, the china, the house, etc. You work long hours, you have kids, elderly parents, you commute and have a household to take care of. Who has the luxury of taking time off to prepare for holidays? I’m sure you don’t. Who has the luxury of taking time off to prepare for your family drama? You are not perfect, so stop acting like you are. Who cares if the laundry isn’t done, the shelves aren’t dust-free or you decide to use paper plates when you serve Thanksgiving dinner? In the grand scheme of things, are these things important? Or is the important part of the holidays enjoying family and friends, watching your kids play, watching a good football game or taking a nap? If you want to use paper plates, go for it. If you want to have Thanksgiving catered, go for it. If you want to skip the rug cleaning and just vacuum, go for it. If you want to skip the family drama and head over to a friend’s house instead, go for it. You don’t have to keep doing the same thing over and over again, just to make everyone else happy and the holidays “perfect.” Save yourself anxiety, stress and headaches, by doing the best you can and embrace imperfection. Have a Holiday Homie aka Text Buddy Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to vent to who wasn’t in your home during the holiday celebrations? Someone who could help calm you down with just a few words? Someone that could tell you it will be okay? Find that person!! Tell them ahead of time that you might need them for support when you are stressed and anxious. Choose someone that already knows your situation and stressors. Someone who knows you and your mother-in-law don’t get along. Someone that knows Uncle Bob drinks too much which leads to bad jokes or fights. Someone who knows your mother will criticize your cooking. Find that person. Find your Holiday Homie. Own Your Emotions, No One Else’s As you know, your relatives can get on your nerves, stress you out, and piss you off. There is no sugarcoating it. It is what it is. Usually, this is the case when someone is criticizing you, puts demands upon you or they are upset with you. When this happens, you may become upset, stressed, irritated or anxious. You take to heart their opinions and actions. You see their word as the end all be all. You let it ruin what should be a joyful celebration. Let me tell you this. Usually people are trying to project how they are feeling onto you. Someone who criticizes or judges you may be threatened by your competence, may feel insecure, or may want to cover up their feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety. Ultimately, they are insecure and want you to feel the same. So what do you do? Do you continue to own their insecurities as your own? Or do you let them have their opinions and you go about your business? Remember, you don’t need to take on their insecurities and feelings about what they think you should or shouldn’t be doing. Remember, you have control over how you feel. Don’t take on someone else’s emotions. Don’t let someone else ruin your mood during the holidays. Take it back. If the criticisms get too out of hand, see below. Set Boundaries Set Boundaries. Let me say it again. SET BOUNDARIES!. Yes, your relatives may annoy you or get on your last nerve. They may get in their feelings or judge how you live your life. Remember, you don’t have to take it. You know you can set boundaries by speaking up or leaving the situation, right? They are not holding a gun to your head. So many you think you have to stay and put up with being mistreated. Many people I have spoken with say they don’t want to be disrespectful by setting boundaries. Remember it is not disrespectful speaking up for yourself. What may be disrespectful is what you say and how you say. Yelling, screaming or cussing is not the way to speak up for yourself. It is definitely not the way you will be heard. Telling the person what they said and how it made you feel in a calm voice will be received better. Also letting the person know that if the behavior continues, you will be leaving or they will have to leave. This is not disrespectful, it is respecting yourself and stopping people from treating you a certain way. Go With The Flow We are still in a pandemic. The holidays will not be the same. There will be masks, social distancing, missing family members, new family members, missing foods due to shortages, etc. Just roll with it. Maybe you will create a new tradition this year. Maybe you can have Thanksgiving in the backyard. Maybe you will only have half of the family for one holiday and the other half during another holiday. Maybe serve steak instead of Turkey. Take care of your mental health by adjusting to the circumstance. You never know what will come from it. The holidays do not have to be stressful if you have a plan in place. You deserve it to yourself to have a peaceful, joyous, exciting holiday. This year it's just the four of us for Thanksgiving. We aren't ready to have a family packed holiday yet. Hopefully next year we will be back on track. I have come to terms with it and my decision has given me peace of mind. I have my holiday text homies on standby just because I love them and just in case they need me. LOL! What will you do this holiday season to take control of your emotions? Many Blessings, Mpho ![]() Wow. This is the only word I can think of during this time in our lives. First of all, I wanted to send my prayers out to those who have been affected by COVID-19. Second, thank you to all the first responders who risk their lives to help those affected by the virus; doctors, nurses, medical staff; firemen, EMTs, etc. Lastly, thank you for all those that are still working in order to keep all of us going. The grocery store clerks, gas station attendants, bank tellers, airline workers, transportation, communication, delivery drivers, etc. Anxiety. Fear. Frustration. Sad. Overwhelmed. Worry. Guilt. Anger. Shock. Denial. I keep hearing these are the emotions that are coming up for you (and me) during this difficult time. It is understandable and it is okay. We've never seen anything like this in our lifetime. This virus is not only affecting the United States, it is affecting the world. I have to admit, I did not realize how serious this was until February. Although we weren’t quarantined yet, I noticed people were getting sick and the numbers were growing worldwide. Early March, I began hearing rumblings of a quarantine coming, so I began setting up my home office and buying food. My anxiety started to rise because I didn’t know when the shelter-in-place was coming. When it finally hit, I felt a little at ease. Of course, when I began to see the confirmed cases and death toll rising, I became concerned again. I was shocked, anxious, and frustrated. Everything was moving so fast. Like many of you, I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. I was worried about getting the virus when I went out shopping or to the bank. I was worried about my husband, children, loved ones, clients and friends. Were they going to get it? I couldn’t sleep. I was emotionally exhausted. I felt like a zombie walking around my house and running errands. I had no clue what to do next. Like many of you, I like to plan my life. Most of the time I know what to expect, and if life throws me a curve ball, I could usually figure it out. If I couldn’t, I would ask someone. This time, I had no clue what to do. This time, I had no one to ask. This was unlike any other pandemic that we had seen. After a few days, some people hit the ground running with articles, blogs, Facebook/IG Lives; on how to get through this time. I read a few, but it became way too overwhelming. I decided to sit tight and feel my feelings. I didn’t run away, distract myself or numb out. I knew if I did that, the feelings would reappear much stronger. To be honest, I needed more than one sitting to get through these emotions. It took the first week of isolation to name what I was going through. During that time, I tried different ways to cope with everything that is happening. I have continued to use these tips. I hope they will help you too. Stay Home, Stay Safe Please listen to the experts. This is not the time to rebel and be a risk-taker. This is not the time to go rogue. This can be a life or death situation. Protect yourself and others. Follow the recommendations of the CDC, WHO and government officials. Wash Your Hands. Social Distancing, etc. Keep yourself clean. Again, check the websites I named above on tips on how to prevent yourself from contracting COVID19. Limit news I know you want to keep informed. I am right there with you. It is easy to go down the wormhole of Coronavirus. However, too much information can cause anxiety, fear, depression, confusion, even guilt. I know things change frequently and you may be worried about missing something important. If you find yourself feeling emotional every time you read the news and statistics, maybe cut back. Unfortunately, the news is consistently negative. The feel good stories are usually at the end. Most likely you are not going to feel good when you are reading or watching the number of COVID19 cases and deaths rise. If you look at the news every hour, limit it to every other hour. Or every few hours. I found myself waking up and scrolling through my phone while in bed. I started my day with negativity. Now I wait until I get out of bed, and finish my routine before scrolling the news. Get Some Fresh Air Get some fresh air, while remembering social distancing. Take a walk around the block, sit on your porch, balcony or backyard. It gets stuffy in the house. You need to smell fresh air, hear the birds chirping and smell the flowers. It’s springtime!! Try Meditation, Prayer, Mindfulness, Breathe Quiet your mind. Anxiety and worry can cause your brain to be on overload. In this uncertain world, calming and clearing your mind is helpful. It can be for as long as you want. Two minutes, to 20 minutes. If you don’t know how, try an app. There are many good ones out there. Headspace, Calm, Balance or Liberate. Deepak Chopra has a 21-day guided meditation with Oprah. If none of those work, try just listening to rain drops, or ocean waves, or slow jams from your favorite artist. Anything that will help soothe your mind. Connect with Friends and Family Virtually This has been great. Thank you Zoom and Facetime for providing platforms for us to talk to our family, friends and coworkers. Besides business meetings, some of you have enjoyed Happy Hours, birthday parties, dates, dinner parties, all virtually. We are in this together. Let’s support each other. You don’t need to be alone right now. If you don’t like video, phone calls work too. Find a Creative Outlet Well, you have some time on your hands, so you might as well use it. Try one of the hobbies you’ve wanted to try but never had time. Cooking, baking, drawing, painting, singing, dancing, yoga, gardening, etc. If you don’t know where to start, find a class online. Youtube, Udemy, Lynda are a few places you can find online classes. Exercise If you workout outside, remember social distancing. Running, walking, bike riding, skateboarding are just a few you can do outside. If you are inside, there are plenty of classes online. Many yoga, dance, and martial art instructors have moved their classes online. Youtube has plenty of fitness videos. Relieve stress by working out. Listen to Music Music can be so healing. I don’t know about you, but music has gotten me through break-ups, studying in college, arguments with parents during my teen years, grueling workouts, commuting in traffic, etc. I know it can get me through COVID19. I’ve been joining DJ DNIce at #ClueQuaratine on Instagram. I also discovered DJ Cummerband on Youtube and Home Office DJ on itunes. It’s been fun and healing. Find the music that will help you get through this uncertain time. Find a Mental Health Clinician If you are still struggling, reach out to a mental health clinician to process your feelings. Myself and others are offering appointments virtually, so you don’t have to leave your home. Let a professional help you process what you are going through. If you are in California, I have a few slots open to help you. I offer phone and video appointments. You can find clinicians on Therapy For Black Girls, Psychology Today, or your insurance company. I hope this blog has helped you. Let me know what has worked for you. Stay safe and healthy. Many Blessings, Mpho |
AuthorI am a therapist who helps loves motivating women to transform their inner voice of self-doubt and self-criticism into a powerful voice of positive self-talk, self-trust and self-love. I help individuals recognize their inner worth, build their self-esteem and speak their truth. Archives
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