Well, another summer has arrived. Hot weather, BBQ’s, vacations, pool/beach parties, etc. You enjoy all of these things, except you have no one to enjoy them with. You are tired of doing everything by yourself. Your married friends don’t get that you don’t feel like going to another BBQ by yourself that begins at noon and ends at 6:00 p.m. because they all have kids. You haven’t had a date in months or maybe even years. You keep meeting the wrong person. You are fed up, defeated, and feel that you are not good enough.
Clients come to me all the time because they are tired of being single, tired of picking the wrong person, feeling lonely and feeling like they aren’t good enough to attract a mate. I constantly hear “ I wouldn’t be so depressed if I had a man” or “ I’m frustrated I can’t keep a relationship”.
Am I an expert in helping people find a mate to make them happy? No, not really. However, I am an expert in helping my clients become a happy mate.
Many times we are seeking someone to make us happy. However, I tell my clients they need to be happy with themselves first.
So here are 5 ways to become a happy mate.
Are you happy with your physical appearance? This has nothing to do with if others are attracted to you. How do you feel about the way you look and feel? If you don’t feel good about your appearance, do something about it. If you know you would feel better 10 pounds lighter, then start working on it. Join a gym, walk, join a yoga or Crossfit studio. If you need to change your diet, research articles or read books on diet and fitness. Do you need a haircut or a new wardrobe? If so, go to the salon or hit the nearest department store. Remember, this is not about anybody but you. You need to be able to look in the mirror and smile back because you are happy with the way you look and feel on the outside.
How do you feel inside? Are you happy with your personality and how you treat others? Do you strive to be honest and kind? Are you an introvert but you want to become more extroverted? Do have a hard time making or keeping friends because of your social skills? If you want to change certain aspects of yourself to make yourself happy, do it. There are plenty of self-help books or self improvement classes that can help you build confidence, improve your social skills or anything else you want to improve.. You can also join a social club or a Meetup group where you can practice meeting and interacting with people.
What are your goals? Don’t wait for a mate to decide to buy a house or go back to school. Do it now. If it will make you happy, why wait? In the 4 to 5 years you are waiting for a mate, you could have obtained a degree. Do you want to change jobs? Go for that dream job. Who knows, it may take you to another state or country. What an adventure, huh? Buy the house you want now. You can always upgrade after you get married. You don’t need a to buy your retirement home now. You can buy a starter home and sell later. Buy your motorcycle, car, dream vacation or whatever you know will fulfill your goals and make you happy.
What are your values? Google “list of values” and you will see numerous websites, with numerous lists of values. This is the hardest part for my clients because they have never thought about their core values. You may ask why is this so important? Well, it does help in the long run if you and your future mate share values or understand each other’s values.. Let’s say you value Family but your mate does not. This may be good to know up front. Your mate may not want to spend the holidays with lots of family, but would be okay if you and the kids went to your mother’s for the holidays. Looking at your own values may help you realize there may be some deal breakers. You may not want a mate who does not value Charity. Maybe you want to build a family who volunteers, so having someone who does not value Charity would not work for you. Figure out the core values that make you truly happy and it will help guide you to the right mate.
I wasn’t going to write a fifth tip, but I felt this was too important to ignore. Many relationships end due to finances, so get your financial house in order first. Start paying off your credit card debt and student loans. Most likely your debt is not making you happy either. Debt probably makes you feel frustrated, angry, depressed, or anxious. Well, this is the perfect opportunity to start chipping away at it. If you have no debt, just save or invest your money. Start building yourself a nest egg. Being debt-free with money in the bank is freedom and happiness.
Remember, a partner will not make you happy. Happiness starts with you. If you are unhappy with yourself, you will be unhappy with a mate. What truly makes you happy? Follow these tips and you will be on your way to being a happy mate!!
If you need some support becoming that happy mate, contact me at 510-250-3091 or www.peacefulthoughtstherapy.com.
Peace and Love,
I am a therapist who helps individuals who are motivated to transform their inner voice of self-doubt and self-criticism into a powerful voice of positive self-talk and self-trust. We help individuals recognize their inner worth, build their self-esteem and speak their truth.